Don’t worry ladies – Oliver Callan is here to tell you where you’re going wrong with the aul’ feminism!

On the Irish Times’ website today sits a piece of trollery so trolly that it could’ve been a collaborative effort between Donald Trump, Kevin Myers and a troll doll.

Oh, Oliver Callan – just when it appears we have reached the depths of your stupidity, you open your mouth (or in this case, laptop) and spew forth another piece of humourless shit.

Now, assuming that Olly actually believes what he’s saying (and hasn’t been hired by the Irish Times simply to generate some web traffic with his ‘controversial’ nature) this piece is the product of a confused, sexist, mansplaining mind. In-keeping for Callan, but rather disappointing from the Times.

Anyway, here are some “highlights” of the column, titled ‘Irish feminists should realise how much they need men’.

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff (like being called “shrill” by a dickhead)

“Feminists need to stop wasting time bickering over the use of words such as “shrill”. They’d be better off trying to teach men and not sweat the small stuff, like when a man holds a door for them or offers a seat. I believe in gender equality, but manners too.”

Hang on: so, sexism exists because woman haven’t tried hard enough to “teach” men not to be sexist? (Maybe they were afraid of being called ‘shrill’?) So, women are responsible for sexism! I see! I’m glad there’s a clever man around to explain that to us!

Feminism is about the insistence upon equal treatment for women, not about coddling misogynists, you tool.

2. Me man, obviously me too stupid to absorb concept of basic equality!

“[feminists] must get to the men whose consumption of media is restricted to sport, Michael Bay movies and Top Gear. Let’s see how well feminists fare when they leave the safe world of Facebook backslapping and talk to a man who thinks the epitome of a woman’s desire is a 1.2 lt Toyota Yaris.”

Again, women must enlighten the ball-scratching, Top Gear-loving, troglodyte masses but let’s see how well they fare! The gleefulness of this sentence is disturbing.

Callan, man…what woman hurt you, bro?

3. Won’t someone please think of the grandmothers?!

“A career is a feminist ideal, but it’s increasingly at the expense of older women, rather than passing the burden equally upon men. Where’s the feminism to free granny?”

In this paragraph Olly is incensed – incensed! – that those cold-hearted feminazis of today burden their own mothers with their grandchildren just so they can galavant around the office for 9 hours a day. “It’s the first generation of older women who’ve faced this problem,” writes Callan, presumably as he wipes a single manly tear from the corner of his eye while simultaneously overlooking the inherent incorrectness of that statement.

Women have been leaving kids with Nanny since the beginning of time.

And when it’s a choice between paying two thirds of your wage on childcare or getting granny involved, is there any ordinary person who could afford to choose differently?

Callan goes on to suggest you can’t leave the kids with granddad because, obviously as an old man, he is completely incapable of interacting with anything other that a Top Gear box set or a pint of Guinness.

Oh, and I think you’ll find that equality, not a “career”, is the feminist ideal, Olly.

4. Women just don’t try hard enough.

“Some women are so entrenched in their views they won’t get past the male byline to read this far. They must realise that to dismantle chauvinism they must first understand it and take us by the hand.”

Hear that ladies? Be gentle to you chauvinists! Make them tea and sandwiches, rub their calloused feet after a hard day down the mines and then, and only then, gently bring up the topic of gender equality. Don’t be too insistent though – you don’t want to sound shrill!

Why are women responsible for dismantling chauvinism/ sexism? What kind of stupid logic is this?!

5. Sashay away and stay away.

“Straight men should not be the only targets for feminism. Gay men are just as sexist.

“Take drag queens and their disgusting satire on women. The grotesque female parody of big hair, garish makeup and rib-crunching dresses are no better than wearing blackface or squinting your eyes to do a ‘stage-Chinaman’. Where are all the hilarious drag acts where women dress as a stereotypical man and exaggerate their dress, gait and speech?”

There seems a very personal sort of spitefulness radiating from this drag commentary, especially when you consider that one of Ireland’s most cherished LGBT icons – one whose actions had an incalculable effect on the positive outcome of last year’s referendum – was and is a drag queen.

And, as anyone who remember the long-running Alternative Miss Ireland contest can attest, there are drag acts where women dress as men – those women are called drag kings and there are many of the knocking around, and have been for years.

I can’t help but wonder if Callan’s ire against feminists, “awful” gay men who call each other “bitch”, and drag queens, isn’t really about his lack of comfort in his own sexuality and his place in the LGBT community?

Either way, Olly should take the advice of another much-admired drag queen and Sashay Away.

And stay away.