Christmas is a time for family and friends to come together, catch up, eat food and ask their gay loved ones mildly offensive questions about their “lifestyle”

If you live away from home, maybe in another country, or another city, your family can’t wait to question you about your big ol’ gay antics and just what exactly that entails. Your family and friends are well meaning – for the most part – but sometimes it just doesn’t come across like that.

If you’re gay, lesbian or bi, here are some of the questions you may have to face this Christmas.

1. “So who is the man and who is the woman?”

We’re both women…?

2. “My neighbour’s daughter is a lesbian, I’ll give her your number!”

I appreciate it, but I don’t like all women or all lesbians for that matter.

3. “That’s so easy, do you just have sex in the gym/public toilets/changing room?”

Well no, because I’m not a fictional character in a HBO series.

4. “I love Ellen!”

That’s great, but you know, she’s not our leader.

5. “I could never be gay, I have hemorrhoids.”

Well, that is none of my business.

6. “So you like boys?”

“Yep.”

“Me too”

Ah, the innocence of a child.

7. “Do you get turned on by yourself?”

Just stop talking.

8. “Do you want to have sex with everyone?”

No, do you want to have sex with all men? I’m bisexual, but I still have taste…

9. “But women are so nice, how could you like men?”

Women ARE nice but I don’t want to see their bits, thanks.

10. “Does it hurt?”

I don’t know, how is your sex life? Does that hurt?

11. “I shouldn’t have sent you to that all-girls school.”

Oh, mother, of course, you should have.

12. “It’s because you moved to Dublin, isn’t it?”

You think I wasn’t gay before then?

13. Lady Gaga song comes on, “you like her, right?”

No. Not at all.

14. “Do you like (lesbian) beer/sports or (gay) cocktails/shopping?”

You’ve been watching too much Will & Grace, haven’t you?

15. “But you dress straight.”

How does one dress straight or gay?

16. “You don’t want kids?”

Not at all… But if I did, it’s not impossible.

17. “I went through a phase too.”

Is it still a phase when it lasts your whole life?

18. “I thought you were just a hipster.”

Is that a compliment or an insult?

19. “But that’s not real sex.”

Well, my orgasms are real.

20. “Do you have gaydar?”

Yeah, when I see another gay person, rainbows and glitter and unicorns fall from the sky.

21.“Don’t tell your granny!”

Does she even know what ‘gay’ is?

22. “Who told you you were gay?”

My genitalia.

23. “How do you know if you’ve never been with the opposite sex?”

How do you know you’re straight? Have you had sex with someone of the same gender?

24.“You have to come shopping with me!”

So I can be your new ‘gay bff’? No thanks.

25. “You don’t like me, do you?”

Darling, don’t flatter yourself…

26. “Do you go to midnight or morning mass?”

Midnight… Obviously.