With all the excitement of the past few days – Rodrigo’s removal, Hardeep’s ass crack – I forgot that there was an eviction tonight!

Emma Willis shows up to the proceedings wearing an orange plaid pants suit, and it looks amazing with her husky blue eyes. Swoon!

First, there’s a recap of previous day’s shenanigans:

The housemates find out that Kidnapped Chloe and Hairdeep are up for eviction. KC appears to cry, but it’s impossible to discern for certain due to her limited facial expression.

Afterwards, Kirstie is called into the diary room in order to pronounce some English words, make a cup of tea correctly, and finish some English expressions. She fails at all of it (fair enough, Loughborough is hard to pronounce. Later Jason Grimshaw teaches her some northern slang. Yawn.

To be honest, the season has taken a bit of a hammering in the past few days. Although the Angry American (RIP) was enormously stressful to watch at times, the house is much duller without her and Rodrigo.

Chloe is really, really boring. Sensing she might need to pull something interesting out of the bag with an impending eviction, she tells the housemates what the notes between her and Jermaine (“I like you!” “Since when?” “Day one, BBZ”) said. The other housemates are sceptical that Jermaine’s relationship is as “fucked” as he has claimed it is when speaking to Chloe.

She says she’s confused for the 14th time in the episode. She asks a very drunk Jermaine for clarification. Things get awkward. “You know what you’ve been telling other people is different to what you’ve been telling me, Jer?” “LET’S TALK ABOUT IT WHEN WE GET OUT”.

Later, a pissed-up Jermaine tells the lads that his missus said it was fine as long as he didn’t cross the line. He tells them nothing is going to happen with Chloe when he gets out – he’s just trying to “entertain” himself and the house.

Elsewhere the girlos are having a chat about it too. Dan forces drunk Jermaine to admit to Chloe that he’s still together with his girlfriend. Wife-threatener and Two Day A Week Dad Dan has become the moral authority in the house. Welcome to 2018!

Out in the garden, Jermaine lets slip that he is actually married! The other housemates are scandalised. He says he wore his ring on the first day, and then took it off because he “doesn’t wear it in the house” (presumably only when there are single women around).

Back inside, Sally reminisces about the times when her husband used to flash his cock at her. Dan attempts to presumably win back his ex-wife by recounting all the times he was an arse during their arguments.

Then the eviction happens. The second housemate to be evicted is: CHLOE. She almost looks sad. Almost.

During her exit interview she saw who nominated her, and why. She admits she’s “quite dependent,” which is strange to hear from the mother of a toddler, but whatevs.

Emma shows her a vid of Jermaine admitting he’s married. She responds by saying he asked her to play down their frisson. She adds that she entered the house to let the public see a “different side” of her.

Why does everyone say, “I want the public to see a different side of me”? Why does everyone assume they are multifarious? If 18 years of Big Brother has taught us anything it’s that most people are one dimensional – especially Big Brother contestants.

This is the halfway point of what is quite probably the last ever Celebrity Big Brother. The show deserves a better send-off than this useless lot. Next eviction is Friday. I’m guessing it’ll be Jermain versus Hairdeep.

Celebrity Big Brother, 9pm nightly on TV3 and Channel 5. Follow Ciara on Twitter @Mc_Ranter and read her blog, Adventures in TV here.