If we want to win the same-sex marriage referendum, we must steadfastly avoid the trap that’s being set by the No campaign, says Brian Finnegan.

Last February, in an RTÉ radio column on the forthcoming same-sex marriage referendum, Brenda Power (pictured above) said she would be voting Yes. At the same time she harked back to the ire sparked by her Sunday Times column in July 2009, in which she argued against same-sex marriage, saying: “Homosexuals insist that their nature is an inherent, essential reality, and not a lifestyle choice. But if we were to judge by the get-up and carry-on of some of those in the Pride march [last week], that’s hard to believe.”

I believe her recent RTÉ broadcast was disingenuous, with Power saying on one hand that she will vote for gay marriage “because when you love someone a great deal and the words ‘partner’ or ‘friend’ don’t suffice anymore, you should be entitled to call them ‘family’,” while on the other opining the abuse she suffered after writing her original column is the overriding element of the Yes campaign.

“Anyone who dares voice a dissenting view is attacked as a homophobe, soft in the head at best, suffering from an irrational fear of gay people, or at worst, a hate speech criminal,” she said, thereby planting the notion that the campaign for a Yes vote is unreasonable.

“This referendum will be won by whoever shows the most respect for the opposing view, rather than the one that mocks it most gleefully, and at the moment that is not looking like the Yes side,” she added. Perhaps she should have looked more closely at the No vote supporter’s tactics so far.

Almost a month later, the Bishop of Elphin, Kevin Doran told Newstalk’s Breakfast show that gay parents are “not parents”, and compared being born gay to being born with Down syndrome or Spina Bifida. A week previously the Newstalk broadcaster Dil Wickremansinghe, who is having a baby with her female partner, was taunted by the Iona Institute’s David Quinn on Twitter, who asked: “Who’s the father?”

No Gleeful Mockery

We have already seen leaflets from anti-marriage equality groups saying that gay people die younger, are more prone to cancer, depression and suicide, as well as being more likely to abuse and injure children, or that children will be forced to listen to the “sounds of sodomy” if same-sex marriage is passed.

On the same day that Kevin Doran insulted the dignity of gay parents (not to mention the dignity and experiences of parents of children born with Down syndrome or Spina Bifida, and those who are born differently abled) the Yes Equality campaign was launched.

There was no hateful language or gleeful mockery at that launch. The word ‘homophobia’ didn’t feature in the speeches or literature. Instead we heard powerful and moving personal testimony as to why a Yes vote in this referendum is incredibly important, not only for lesbian and gay individuals and couples, but for Irish society as a whole.

In all the social media campaigns for a Yes vote, from Vote With Us to Yes Equality, to Yes X 10 and Straight Up For Equality, the emphasis has been on participating in dignified conversations, and sharing our personal stories. There are no attacks on people who are thinking of voting No, or who advocate a No vote. There is no mention of hate speech. Instead the word ‘love’ is ubiquitous, and the equality of all love, including heterosexual love, is the central tenet.

Hatred Coming Our Way

In the coming weeks, however, there will be a lot of hate to contend with. We’ll hear it on our radios; we’ll see it in our newspapers, on our televisions, on the Internet, on our streets. Posters will appear across the country denying the dignity and equality of our relationships, scaremongering with the hateful lie that we are a danger to children. It will be hard not to feel defensive and angry. It will be hard not to want to lash out in return.

In her RTÉ broadcast Brenda Power said she hasn’t yet heard a “good enough argument” to deny gay people the right to marry.

“But that does not mean that good arguments don’t exist,” she went on, “and unless those arguments can be heard without name calling, without threats, without abuse, you cannot counter them.”

I would counter that there is no such thing as a good argument against the equality of all consensual love. In a way, I have more respect for Bishop Kevin Doran than I have for the likes of the Iona Institute’s Breda O’Brien and David Quinn, because I believe Doran voiced the true argument of the No side. His argument against the equality of same-sex love was given in the context of his own sexual confusion as a teenager, and it was rooted in his clear confusion over whether people are born gay or made gay. No one would call it a “good argument”.

We must remember in the coming weeks that this is the true basis of the No argument, and we must assert with absolute clarity that our nature is an inherent, essential reality, and not a lifestyle choice. We were born this way, we love ourselves this way, and our capacity to love is no different than the capacity of other human beings.

Losing End Of Argument

Loathe though I am to admit it, Brenda Power is right about one thing. In the difficult-to-stomach weeks that lead up to May 22, if we lash out in defensive anger, we will be on the losing end of our argument. There is nothing wrong with robust and passionate debate, but name-calling and rage can have no part in that, whether we are trying to convince potential No voters in our personal lives, or trying to do so in the media.

It is wrong that we should ever have to assert the dignity and equality of our relationships, but unfortunately at this time in Ireland, each and every one of us is being forced into doing so, in one way or another. In asserting ourselves, please don’t let us fall into the trap that is being set by the No campaign. For that is exactly what it is – and the only way to avoid it is to never sink to the same level when defending ourselves against the lies and calumny that are coming our way.

Follow Brian on Twitter here.