We need to talk about the True Blood finale, guys, because I don’t know about y’all but it gives me the bleeds just thinking about it.

Needless to say ENORMOUS SPOILERS AHEAD FOR ALL OF SEASON 7!

The residents of Bon Temps are not having a very bon temp at all – well all except for Big Red and Hoyt, who decide to get married because, y’know, nothing says THE END like a heterosexual wedding. For some reason the wedding takes place during the day, meaning that vamps end up bleeding all over their wedding finery. That’s Bon Temp for you; vampire weddings in the day, Thanksgiving dinner BBQs at night.

Hoyt – who returned from Alaska with ginger facial stubble and a quiff so you can tell how tough he is – under pressure from super formal Vampire Bill and possibly, glamoured stupid, decides to lock-down his on-off “red-headed Jezebel” with an impromptu proposal. TBH to TB, this is one aspect of the finale that wasn’t totally awful – Hoyt and Jessica were a sweet combination, ‘till she got all unfaithful and he started calling her ‘Monster’.

With the wedding out of the way, the focal point of the entire show – Bill and Sookie Snackbox’s relationship – can be resolved.

In a wildly inconsistent season, at least the weirdly oppressive dynamic between Sookie and Bill stayed consistent to the end. In the graveyard equidistant between their houses (romantic!) Bill begs Snackbox to kill him in a poignant, but ridiculously circuitous way: with a blast of her faerie light, which will finish him off while removing her unique faerie powers and thus, her vampire cat-nip allure. Not mentioned by Bill: this will also render Sookie UTTERLY helpless in a town full of marauding, Hep V-infected vamps.

In a refreshingly un-Sookie move she refuses, opting instead to stake Bill square in the crotch heart. Good riddance – he was a confederate soldier for goodness sake!

Meanwhile with Eric, Pam and NuMi Newland; Eric and Pam suddenly remember that they are FUCKING VAMPIRES and promptly kill all the Yakuzis in about 5 seconds.

And that’s pretty much it for them until the ‘4 years later’ time skip where the view discovers that Eric and Pam have successfully synthesised and marketed New Blood – made from NuMi – and made billions, whilst keeping NuMi chained up in Fangtasia and renting her veins to rich, infected vamps. The poor thing goes insane and ends up hallucinating Steve Newland, a second-rate Russell Edgington (they couldn’t have found a way to bring him back for the episode?). The best thing about this little side-plot is Eric’s face as he listens to some banging Yakuza dance tunes. Untz, untz!

The ups-and-downs of this specific episode are ultimately meaningless in the face of a really terrible season. Tara’s return in ghost form went nowhere – even though every other ghost to past through the town hops into local medium Lafayette’s body? What was with the gun they unearthed? And why has Andy’s fairy daughter – who went from newborn to teen in the space of a Bon Temps week – suddenly stopped aging at 16?  Why is Sookie still driving Alcide’s truck?  Why does the flashback Tara have adult Tara’s voice but flashback Sookie doesn’t?

But of all the unanswered questions, the most puzzling one is this: why-oh-why did the show end with Sookie (complete with faceless, but bearded hubby) literally barefoot and pregnant, deep-frying a Thanksgiving turkey surrounded by the prolifically fertile Bon Temps residents?

Why did the most queer show of the past decade have to end on such a heteronormative note?

True Blood should’ve met the true death at the end of last season.  By then I had had more than enough of Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer’s endless sexy scenes – we get it, you’re married IRL, move on – enough of the sad-little guitar arpeggio that accompanies every poignant scene, enough of every single man in Bon Temp falling at Sookie’s (bare) feet even though she’s not even that hot. Trop mal, bon temps!

So long TB – it’s been a great ride (well, up until season 7).