This week saw the reveal of sex toys for foot fetishists – a severed foot with a vagina in the ankle (For those cold, footless nights.)
The Vajankle is created by someone who doesn’t really understand a foot fetish but also would like to have sex with a severed foot.
Inspired by this, we decided to take a wander down the lane of “what the hell are you planning to do with that?” and find – for your own morbid curiosity – the strangest, most unusual products a person might use for pleasure.
1. Sex Toy Adapter for Drill
Yes, that’s right – for just €44.98, you can buy a sex toy adaptor FOR A DRILL. I’m sure there are many amongst us who have looked at a drill and thought, ‘hmm, I would love to have that right near my genitals’. It also comes with a handy dildo covering. You’re welcome.
2. Buttplug Tails!
If your general buttplug isn’t doing anything for you, you can use these to turn yourself into a fox or a pig. Furry-play has become more popular in recent times so use this sex toy to turn yourself into a frolicking animal… Or something.
3. Orgasmatron 3000
Why buy a washing machine to wash your clothes when you can buy a washing machine that you can ride like a bucking bronco? Especially when it’s pretty clear that it probably won’t wash your clothes. Subtle sex toys are so last year, buy one that everyone who enters your house will see.
4. Dragon Dildo
You read that right, there is an entire website dedicated to this product and a little story to go along with it, just in case you couldn’t use your imagination. It comes in different sizes and different colours.
5. Gerbil Flex Stimulator
You probably remember those Richard Gere rumours about the gerbil. Well, if you are more animal-friendly than the beau Richard but like the feeling of a gerbil in your butt, this is the sex toy for you!
6. Homophobic Buttplugs
If you’ve always wanted a homophobe in your ass, you’re in luck! Yes, some glorious human beings have rendered anal sex toys in the image of everyone’s favourite dictator Vladimir Putin and some hairy asshole from Duck Dynasty.
7. Mr Jack with Mustache
If you like the idea of the Swedish Chef popping a few matchsticks into his mouth and giving you a blowjob, well here is your ideal toy. However, it has been discontinued, perhaps because it looks like it would come to life and tear off the nearest penis.
8. Chokouha Brick Onahole
Made for those who are turned on by building sites, architecture and roadworks, this sex toy is described as a ‘super hard, rough sex masturbator’ so you pretty much know what you’re getting into.
9. Razor Sensation Tool
If you have $89 to spare, you can spend it on this sex toy that looks like it could be entered into Robot Wars! Do not put this weapon-looking thing anywhere near your genitalia.
10. Children’s Toys-Inspired Sex Toys
If you want to replace your wholesome childhood memories with an uncomfortable sex toy, you’re covered. Bringing back some 90s realness, there is a cushion with a vibrating dildo poking up out of it.
Or you can bounce around the house on a giant ball with a non-vibrating dildo. Both excellent choices, clearly.
For when moving during sex is just too much hassle, you can swamp your entire body in a skin-tight sleeping bag and just lie there… Not doing anything. Just looking at it instills a sense of claustrophobia – sexy.
You’re just casually watching porn on your iPad and you think, ‘hmm if only I could simulate sex with these people’, right? The iPunani – which is clearly the greatest name ever – attaches a rubber vagina to your iPad so you can just insert right in there. It’s like the real thing if the real thing was a detached vagina.
13. Prolapsed Anus Fleshlight
So… yeah. Don’t go through the hassle of actually ‘wrecking’ someone’s butthole, just buy this elegant fleshlight and it’s already done for you. A reviewer thought this was a rose and doesn’t that just make it so much nicer?
14. Plugs You Shouldn’t Use With Strangers
The Baby Jesus plug – for Christmas, Easter or any major religious holiday. Both hilarious and highly offensive, what’s not to love?
Some British people really like the Queen… But not enough to put her crown in their special place.
Clowns are terrifying, this is an undeniable fact. Some fear them more than others and they might just lose their interest if you break out the clown during an intimate moment. But, by all means, use it to scare people.
15. Area 51 Blow-Up Doll
For when earthly species just won’t cut it anymore, you can use the mouth of a surprised alien for your sexual pleasure.
Yeah, me neither.
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