There was recently an excellent article in GCN Issue 378 by James O’Hagan about being overweight and how fat people get viewed, condemned, anathematised and ridiculed both within and outside the LGBTQ+ community. The fact seems to be that there are really only two mortal sins in modern society, particularly in gay society: getting fat and getting old. To some extent the two run parallel. However, all is not necessarily lost; if you go to a ‘Bear’ club or pub you will see evidence of these parallel worlds working together, except that it’s in a very positive light. There, conventional gay beauty and body standards are challenged, providing an empowering space for members of the community.

You may well ask, “What on earth is a Bear club?” Well, it is a queer club that the larger, hairier men, and their admirers, frequent. It can be extremely liberating to be in an environment like this knowing that you are admired for your looks rather than condemned.

In London, I went to clubs called Bulk, Chunkies and XXL. I also occasionally went to a sauna called The Oasis in Brussels, and in Hong Kong, I would frequent ‘Rainbow’ sauna. I have several years experience at Sitges Bear Week (this is beginning to look like a CV!) and there are other places I’ve been to that are dedicated to the beauty of age and the (male) Rubenesque figure, either separately or combined.

In all of these places, I and people like me are objects of desire. Hirsute, and with a few ounces on my hips, I get the “come to bed” eyes in these places that in most clubs are reserved for the svelte and beautiful twinks. But the thing is, there are many, many LGBTQ+ people who seek out older and chunkier guys because they find them sexy and attractive. Some people may find this difficult to believe but it is true.

We can talk all we like about how unfair it is that some people are classically good-looking and others aren’t. But the fact is that people can no more choose who they fancy than they can choose who they fall in love with. You need to put yourself out there knowing that there are lots of ‘handsome’ gay guys, fat and slim, just gagging to get off with someone with a bigger body, or who doesn’t necessarily meet society’s traditional standards of beauty.

Fat may be a feminist issue but it is also a huge gay issue. One of the advantages of being gay is that people of disparate ‘tribes’ will form clubs where they and their admirers can congregate. The LGBTQ+ community generally realises and accepts that people enjoy being with like-minded souls and amongst the type of people that they find physically attractive and who, in turn, find them physically attractive.

In my opinion, acceptance of yourself is not a question of loving your body per se; rather it’s a question of loving and accepting yourself as a person, the whole deal. There’s no point in getting down on yourself about things you can’t change. Try to make the most of what you are and accept it.

Health is an important factor in weight and age, and should not be ignored for the sake of vanity. If in doubt about your health or worried about your weight, get a checkup from your doctor. Better safe than sorry. If you want to change, and you can, then of course it’s entirely up to you how you progress. If people dismiss and ignore you because of your age or physical image then that’s their loss.

Keep the faith – after all, you never know who might be looking in your direction with a twinkle in their eye – especially in those colder months when we need to cuddle up to someone for extra warmth!