We’re a mere five days in and already things are getting caliente in the Celebrity Big Brother house. But where to start?

Let’s discuss Rodrigo for a minute shall we? He’s basically a Brazilian Herr Lipp and looks like a forgotten Twilight Cullen who got stung to death by bees before being turned. And he managed to eclipse all of that by saying the N-word within two days of entering the house.

In last night’s episode, he even tried to get Kirstie Alley to explain what Scientologist’s believe in by feigning complete ignorance of Xenu and the alien engrams. Kirstie, no stranger to the ‘tell me about your weird pseudo-religion?’ rodeo, told him to go read a book if he was so interested. FOR XENU’S SAKE DON’T GOOGLE IT WHATEVER you do, just find a book.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, ‘Why is she in here?’ Gabby – I think she’s a Love Islander? – pondered on why the enigmatic Alley is in the house. Here’s a hint, Gabby: it’s the same reason as anyone over 50 goes onto CBB: poverty and presumably, a long series of poor life choices.

There was some possibly Machiavellian maneuvering later in the episode as Gabby enjoyed a strategically intimate cry in front of the Tattooed Dudes (or ‘Tattoods’ – Dan Osborne, Ben Jardine and Jermaine Pennant) after Angry American Natalie told her she was “fading into the background”.

To a fame-hungry Millennial, hearing you’re that “fading into the background” is the equivalent of hearing that avocados are extinct or that Ed Sheeran has killed both himself and the Kardashians in a murder-suicide. So she had a cry and by the end of the episode, all the ’toods had nominated Natalie for upsetting that delicate little flower. But was this a strategy on Gabby’s part? Frankly, she doesn’t seem capable of such complexity of thought, but maybe she’s Kaiser Soze-ing the situation? We’ll see.

Later on the same episode, kidnap victim-turned-CBB contestant Chloe Ayling told Hardeep and Roxanne that she did some Page 3 “modelling” in the past. “How old were you when you did page 3?” asked Harcreep, a little bit too interestedly, before ignoring her answers in favour of embarking on a mansplain-y lecture about objectification. Later, after finding out that neither woman had a father growing up, he shed some sensitive little tears in sadness for their loss. Ew.

Thankfully, Harcreep’s teary ‘aren’t men so awful’ schtick did not fly with Roxanne or kidnap lady, and they saw it for the cynical man-babying that it was. Both nominated him for eviction. Har(deep)-har!

(Sidenote: Can everyone Tweet the makers of the show and request a task where they have to shave Hardeep’s back? Thx bbz.)

Elsewhere, Stepford Ryan continues to be smarmy and insincere; Nick Leeson continues to look like a scalded turtle; The Tattoods (Dan Osborne, Ben Jardine and Jermaine Pennant) continue their brainless bro banter; Psychic Sally continues to pass off Googling her fellow housemates before entering the house as being psychic.

Who will be first to go on Friday? Hard to say: Harcreep is really creepy, like drunk-uncle-at-a-wedding-stroking-your-palm creepy. Ewwww. But Natalie is legit frightening and very loud, which the British voting public might love or hate depend on their imperious, Brexit-loving moods. ‘Citing!

Celebrity Big Brother, 9pm nightly on TV3 and Channel 5. Follow Ciara on Twitter @Mc_Ranter and read her blog, Adventures in TV here.