In today’s episode, the HMs must enter a pop-up confession box in the garden (Catholicism is really trying to snag the millennials) and shock the Eyeball with scandalous disclosures in order to win.
First in is the Cardboard Cockney (he’s from Leicester, why does he sound like Peggy Mitchell?). He confesses that he fancies Roxanne. Didn’t need to be a Psychic Sally to figure that one out, bruv. Psychic Sal admits that she used here “powers” to convince a mate that her boyfriend was cheating so she could swoop in and snag him herself. Jermaine confesses that he has a crush on Chloe.
If it was a ‘state the obvious’ task they would’ve nailed it. But it wasn’t and so they fail the task for shocking absolutely no-one.
Next, the Eyeball (or the intern in the Eyeball costume) wants Kirstie and three randomly selected housemates – the Love Islander, the kidnap victim/ glamour model and annoying but attractive Roxanne to take part in a “sexy” task. They must “arouse” a majority of voters viewing the tasks on the BB website.
Kirstie Alley – fast becoming the public’s favourite HM with her tales of Hollywood decadence – plays director, shouting out sexy instructions (“Now look at the cream like you love it”) while the others writhe around spraying squirty cream everywhere. It’s disgusting.
Roxanne tries to be funny. Love Islander tries to be sexy. Kidnapped Chloe might have been doing something too but she’s so boring the camera ignores her, despite the fact she’s a glamour model by profession. Ultimately, they only manage to arouse 31% of they public and so they fail.
Next, it’s more nominations, ahead of Tuesday scheduled eviction. Cardboard Cockney Ben nominates Ryan for not revealing his real personality. Chloe nominates Turtle for being quiet. Everyone else nominates Chloe for being too quiet and a slob. As predicted everyone also nominates Hardeep for persistent wind-breaking.
Kidnapped Chloe and Hardeep get five noms each, followed closely by Roxanne on 4. Stepford Ryan gets 3.
Afterwards, in the garden smoking ghetto, Dan is moping about missing his son (though he has three children, he only ever mentions one).“I really admire that you’ve got your boy two and a half days per week, man” Hardeep tells Dan, perhaps without realising that a week has seven days and children need to be watched every single minute of it.
AREN’T YOU MARVELLOUS, DAN? SUCH A SAINT, WATCHING YOUR OWN CHILD A WHOLE 35% OF THE TIME.
The episode ends on the gals – Psychic Sal, Kirstie and Disney’s Roxanne – enjoying a girly sex chat. Kirstie tells the gals that she once met a lover in a limo while wearing nothing but a mink coat. Sally says that she and her husband couldn’t keep their hands off each other for the first 25 years of their marriage (were the spirits watching the whole time? Those saucy spectres!)
Roxanne says that even watching her fiancé eat is attractive but since she says it in that ridiculously over-egged way she says everything it seems utterly fake. Either she is a sincere but dramatic theatre-type (like. Mr G), or an insincere hammy actress?
Anyway, who will go on Tuesday, and how will Hardeep handle being nominated again for his foul flatulence? There’s only one way to find out!
Celebrity Big Brother airs nightly on 3e and Channel 5 at 9 pm.
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