Following Tusla’s National Fostering Awareness Month in June, read how one little boy turned the world of a same-sex foster carer couple upside down and made them stronger and happier because of it.

We all have milestones in our life journeys–things like starting that first job, meeting that ‘significant other’, setting up home together, getting married–and then, maybe, comes the really big one, children…

For married same-sex couple Quentin and Malcolm from Cork, that was one step they had never considered taking for many years, until a series of comments from friends and family prompted them to investigate the issue a bit further.

“Surrogacy wasn’t something we were interested in, and we didn’t know how to go about adopting someone, so we looked into fostering and contacted Tusla,” says Quentin.

The couple attended a series of information meetings and were visited in their home by a representative from the Child and Family Agency to ensure they understood the challenges and responsibilities of being foster carers.

In the weeks that followed, they discussed with Tusla all aspects of their lives, sharing everything about themselves with a social worker in a process that involved 16 hours of chats from which a report was produced about their suitability for the role.

“It’s all very revealing; they’re trying to get to know you, to see if you have empathy and if you can support others,” says Quentin. “You learn a lot about yourself and have to be open to that process. Reading about yourself in the subsequent report is a bit surreal, but they had us spot-on, identifying our strengths and our weaknesses.

“They are very thorough, and if they don’t think you are capable, they won’t place a child with you.”

After 12 months of assessments and training courses, the couple were given their approval to become long-term foster carers and within days were told about Jack*, a five-year-old diagnosed with both autism and epilepsy, and with a complex condition that requires him to be peg-fed through his abdomen.

Supporting a person with such serious issues would be daunting for any seasoned parent, let alone someone who was stepping into the world of child care for the first time.

“I was very overwhelmed,” says Quentin about his initial meeting with the little boy. “I saw all the issues, and thought to myself, ‘What have we done, is this too much?’. Malcolm (who works in child care) was very positive about it, but after that first meeting, I was upset. We went back to meet Jack two days later, and I felt a little bit better about it, but it took three or four visits with him before I realised that we could do this.”

Jack became part of Quentin and Malcolm’s family in October of last year. Because of his medical needs, a nurse was provided to the couple to give support for the first five or six weeks, but after four weeks, they felt they needed to try things on their own.

Quentin says: “It was terrifying at first, the first few days were a blur, but day by day it got easier as we got into a routine. It takes time, but I would never ask for Jack to be removed from us. It would be a failing on my part; he just needs a home and stability.

“There was one point where Jack was in hospital just before Christmas and everything was upside down, but we got great support from the social worker and the link worker… we couldn’t fault them; everything we needed, we got.

“Jack is doing great – doing things now that he wasn’t doing when he first came, and all because of our care,” he says. “It’s still a learning curve. Tusla are now very much part of our lives, either on the phone to us or coming here to the house.”

Quentin says that Jack has made great developmental strides since becoming part of the family.

“He’s able to express his emotions more; he’ll come over and hug you. We’re so proud of him; how far he has come. Malcom has put in a lot of work with Jack speech-wise. I was smiling to myself listening to them argue about brushing teeth the other day–it made me happy to hear him, knowing what he had been like when he first came.”

Of course, raising a vulnerable child does not come without its challenges, but for the couple, who have been married 12 years, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The decision to foster has been life-changing and something that has enriched their lives.

“I feel happy to be needed by someone. It has given me more direction and changed my outlook on life. For instance, my work life balance has changed for the positive,” he says.

“Having a child makes you less selfish about your own time, and I’m less judgmental about other parents than I was before we got Jack. The other day, he had a tantrum and I just sat on the floor with him until he calmed down; I didn’t care what people thought.”

The couple’s bond has also strengthened as a result of the new arrival to their home.

“It has made our relationship stronger; we’re happier as a couple. I couldn’t have done this without Malcolm. I’m lucky to have a very good husband,” says Quentin, who points out that the pair do get to spend time alone as Jack has respite care elsewhere one weekend every month.

Quentin knows that Jack will face issues with his autism when he commences school in September, and he has a wait-and-see approach to how people will respond to the little boy when they realise he has foster carers who are gay.

“We did wonder what people would think about us rearing a child. You do be a bit worried, but all we can do is the best for our child; we know Jack is in good care with us. We have a few good friends who are gay, and this has opened their minds to conversations about fostering.”

As the world celebrates Pride, Quentin and Malcolm should take a little time to feel pride in themselves for what they have achieved as supportive, loving foster carers who are willing to change their lives so that someone else’s can change for the better, despite the challenges.

“Everyone hopes to have the perfect child,” says Quentin, “but if we had said no to Jack, well, you’re just closing yourself off from children. Whether Jack had autism or not, things wouldn’t have been much different for us. The benefits have been amazing. We would definitely consider fostering again in the future.”

 

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June was National Fostering Awareness Month, organised by Tusla Fostering, the national agency for and experts in foster care. Tusla’s National Lead for Fostering, Jacqui Smyth, says the Child and Family Agency welcomes applicants and enquiries from all backgrounds to provide foster care, which comes in a variety of forms, from short-term respite care to relative care and long-term.

“It is really important that the pool of available foster carers is as diverse and unique as possible because the needs of every child differ. Right now, in every part of Ireland, there is a need for foster carers. Children come into care from every socio-economic group, across religions and cultures, across rural and urban communities throughout our country. Every child deserves the chance to live in a home within their own community.”

Tusla Fostering wants to help ensure young people can stay connected to their communities. A local placement will ensure a young person can maintain important connections with their friends, sports, school, and community, and reach their full potential.

Jacqui Smyth adds: “In Tulsa, our focus is to support foster carers and encourage people to consider becoming a carer for a child who is unable to remain at home. We do this through a spectrum of support for fostering families. We collaborate closely with stakeholders and colleagues to innovate and advocate for children and families in the foster care system.”

Quentin and Malcolm have no regrets about their fostering journey. “Having Jack in our lives has made us complete,” said Malcolm.

For more information, visit fostering.ie, call freephone 1800 226771 or email [email protected].

*Names have been changed