Breaking Up - A Gentleman's Guide


Acting like a gentleman can actually help you get through a gay break up. Here’s how!



At the risk of stating the blatantly obvious, breaking up is never easy or fun. Whatever the reasons or circumstances, the end of a relationship is painful. People are often hurt, angry and upset. They say and do things they wouldn’t normally do. Not all of the ideas presented in this gentleman’s guide to breaking up will working for everyone. That’s OK. These ideas are intended to stimulate thought, and maybe in some small way, help someone who may be going through a breakup at the moment. The motivation behind this guide is positive and genuine.


Be A Man of Your Word

During the course of your relationship, you may have had the ‘What happens if we were to break up’ conversation. Or maybe you didn’t. There may still have been unspoken rules and understandings, such as ‘I had this house before we met, it stays mine’, that sort of thing. While the demise of a relationship can be because of broken promises (‘You said you”d keep it in your pants, but you didn’t’), it’s important to be a man of your word during your break up. It has nothing to do with him. It’s about you. There are so many emotions flying around at the time of a break-up. A lot of things may feel out of your control. Staying true to your word is one thing you can control. It may not be easy, or even seem fair, but ultimately, it’s a test of character that shows you what you’re really made of. And what you’re made of is good stuff, right?


 End Things Gracefully… And Quickly

He may not deserve to be treated well. You might be fuming and ready to explode at the sight of him. You might be tempted to act out any number of appealing revenge scenarios…Don’t. Act gracefully instead. Acting gracefully empowers you because it frees you from him. Your ex-partner probably knows what buttons to push to get a response out of you. He’s probably doing a lot of button pushing. His goal is to get what he thinks is a pre-determined response out of you. Don’t give it to him. If you have to engage with him at all, do it on your terms. With grace, kindness – and brevity.


De-friend, Un-follow and All The Rest Of It

Remember the old days (like 2006) when breaking up meant never seeing each other again? That’s what’s meant to happen when you break up. It’s good and healthy for the both of you to not see each one another, at least for a little while, following a split. You need to find your feet again, and it’s better to move on with the new chapter of your life, without your ex Unfortunately, thanks to social media, we still stay connected. So de-friend, un-follow and do whatever else you have to do to break your cyberspace ties with your ex. Unless you’re a sadomasochist, than go right ahead and stay connected. But be prepared for a potential world of hurt.


 Be Kind To Yourself

Acting gentlemany can be tough at the best of times. During a break up, you deserve an award for it. So, be kind to yourself. Do one small thing each day just for you. Go somewhere nice for lunch, call a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with, have a long bath, indulge in a little comfort food. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but a small amount of time each day focusing on whatever your heart desires, helps.


Have Compassion, Even Empathy

Having compassion is not the same as justifying or even defending another person’s actions. It’s about trying to understand them. If you’re breaking up because your partner cheated, and you know this is the third relationship he’s had that’s broken up for this very reason, then have some empathy. Clearly, the guy’s got fidelity issues. It doesn’t make it right, but it must be hell for him, going though this – again. However awful the situation may be for you at the moment, you will be able to move on from it. He might not be able to. As they say, past actions are the best predictor of future behaviour. Having compassion, empathy and awareness, can help you see things in a different light. You don’t have to be or do anything different. This is a technique to help get you out of the immediacy of any negative emotions, into a more neutral and maybe even positive place.


Think Long Term – Not Short Term

When you’re in the midst of a breakup, it can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. That’s because well, it probably is. There’s nothing wrong with going through it, and all the emotions associated with it, in a way that works for you. But when you start to feel like it’s too much, it might be a good idea to disconnect from the present. Think to the future. After all, one day you will be looking back on all of this. It will be a distant memory. Try to think of what (and who) ‘future you’ will be like. Where will you be living? What will you be doing? Focusing on the long-term can be a great way to briefly escape the short-term. It’s not a permanent measure, but in can provide some breathing space when the present feels more like a hassle, than a gift. Have you gone through a break up and survived? What tips and advice can you share about your experience? Sound off in the comments section below!

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