Christine Allen is on the look-out for lesbian porn that doesn’t feature white stiletto-clad blondes with silicon breasts, ten-inch nails and a watching side-stage. Can anyone help?

Okay, I want to talk about lesbian porn.

If the picture that’s jumped to the forefront of your mind consists of two hotties, savouring each others bodies in an authentic manner, then you obviously have never watched ‘lesbian’ porn. Then again, perhaps your Googling skills are more proficient than mine, and you have found an authentic looking lesbian porn site (feel free to post any links below!).

From my own online experiences the following image forms in my mind when I think of ‘lesbian’ porn: Two peroxide blonde, silicon-breasted straight women with dangerously long fingernails and white stilettos, moaning loudly whilst playing with an array of pink sex toys – all under the watchful gaze of a highly aroused naked man.

The majority of gay women reading this will never have had a sexual encounter with another woman that even vaguely resembles this scenario. To start with, any experienced lesbian will know that seducing another female with ten-inch fingernails will only result in a trip to the local A&E.

So, what I want to know is this: where are all of the ‘real’ lesbian porn videos?

While I’m aware that the ‘art’ of porn does not in itself depict reality (although you would be surprised at the number of videos uploaded by real-life couples), straight and gay porn undoubtedly depicts sexual encounters more accurately than ‘lesbian’ porn.

In fact, many girls I have dated confessed to enjoying gay male porn, citing the genuine arousal depicted as the catalyst for their decision to watch.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the vast amount of heterosexual and homosexual videos do not remotely resemble real life sexual relationships. That said, the content depicted in such videos is much more in line with realism than what’s on offer in lesbian porn.

There are a number of porn websites catering for heterosexual women that have a decidedly ‘romantic’ air about them. These sites are in stark contrast to run-of-the-mill porn, in which women are depicted as objects of pleasure for their male co-stars.

Isn’t the lack of authentic lesbian porn, i.e. sex between two women without a man present, feeding into that infuriating notion held by some heterosexual men that lesbian sex happens solely for their own enjoyment? Isn’t it also implying that women need men to be sexually fulfilled?

Is the lack of decent lesbian porn available due to some mistaken belief, held by the directors of lesbian porn, that gay women aren’t all that interested in watching two women gettin’ jiggy with it? Do they believe that lesbians are in fact only aroused by hand holding and cuddling?

Then again, could the drought of good lesbian porn actually be due to a lack of demand? Am I but one of a few lesbians who are unsatisfied with the credibility of lesbian porn that’s on offer?

Speaking of credibility, one night I watched a video (I swear, I don’t watch porn 24/7!) where a woman started having an ‘orgasm’ while another woman was going down on her. So far, so good.

You can imagine my surprise, however, when I saw that her partner’s tongue was nowhere near the orgasming woman’s clitoris.

Maybe I’m naieve, but I thought The Big C was of paramount importance for a woman to achieve The Big O, at least via cunnilingus.

Would the undertaking of a little bit of research, not to mention the garnering of basic sexual knowledge, be too much to ask of those who are directing such videos? And in regard to their actresses’ wardrobes, couldn’t they supply at least one of their porn stars with a pair of VANS? Maybe even a checked shirt?

By now you may be thinking one of two things:

1. I’m writing about a topic that many of you can relate to.
2. That I seriously need to get laid.

If you’re thinking the former, that’s great. Perhaps a petition of some sort can be created with a view to ensuring that blue movie directors take our Sapphic concerns on board.

As for the latter, trust me, I’m working on it.