When a straight friend said that lesbian sex, e.g. sex without a penis involved, is nothing more than foreplay, Christine Allen got pretty defensive. But with factual evidence on her side, she’s decided to let all her issues go.

“Lesbian sex – I mean, its really just heterosexual foreplay, right?”

This blunt observation was aired by my straight friend’s partner over drinks in a city centre pub.

I was momentarily stunned, but I soon found my voice. My protests, however, were in vain. His opinion, that sex was not sex without a penis, was not for turning. Needless to say, I left the establishment soon thereafter.

The following morning I received a text from my friend, defending her boyfriend’s comments by referring to them as ‘tongue in cheek’. A phone call ensued in which she inadvertently let slip that she shared the same view as her man, when she asked: ‘What exactly is it that you do in bed?’

I hung up.

Later that day I relayed the conversations to my gay guy pal. While initially agreeing that my straight friend’s comments were insensitive, he soon began mumbling about strap-on’s. Before I could question him further, he was making his excuses and heading back to work.

Although irritated by my friends ‘strap-on’ reference, I can’t deny that many lesbians do introduce such paraphernalia into the bedroom. And so as I finished the dregs of my coffee, I couldn’t help but question whether dildos and the like are to blame for the erroneous notion that a phallic object is required in order to transition lesbian sex from foreplay to full-blown intercourse. After all, can we really blame people for not taking lesbian sex on its merit when we ourselves felt the need to bring artificial additions in on the act?

Leaving sex toys aside for the moment, isn’t the language that many of us use when talking about our Sapphic encounters also partly to blame? When discussing oral sex, many of us have been guilty of describing the act as ‘head’, language associated with oral sex given to a male. Another word I’ve heard lesbians use is ‘wanking’ when describing the mutual masturbation act between two women.

Aren’t such choices of language telling? Are some of us suffering from a heavy dose of penis envy? Or are we simply just taking advantage of all things that will enhance our sex lives, much like heterosexual couples do, while taking back ownership of vocabulary that has in the past been used to objectify women?

Having informed a friend about this article, and the conversation that sparked it, she turned the questions back on me. Why had I felt the need to justify the legitimacy of my sex life to a straight man? Why didn’t I just laugh his ignorant remark off? Perhaps I was the one suffering with penis envy?

While I don’t believe that I have penis envy, I can see her point. After all, having had sex with other women (strap-on excluded), I am well aware that lesbian sex is an erotic, sensual and highly satisfying experience, one that transcends mere foreplay. So why is my knowledge of this fact not enough? While I may not have penis envy, is envy of some sort responsible for my defensiveness?

Throughout my teenage years, I witnessed many a girl I fancied hooking up with different lads. One in particular, who I had been pining after for two years, was very open about her sexual exploits. After three weeks of dating ‘Anto’, she described to me in great detail his talent under the sheets. Having had little to no experience with women, I distinctly remember feeling inferior to Anto and his ability to pleasure my crush.

Do remarks inferring that lesbian sex is somehow lesser than heterosexual sex stir my old feelings of inadequacy?

Whatever the reason for my need to defend the honour of lesbian sex, I’ve decided that it stops today. The next time a straight man refers to the mind-blowing experience that is sex between two women as “heterosexual foreplay”, I’ll take a deep breath, count to ten, smile and remember those recent surveys revealing that lesbians have more orgasms than straight women.

It’s fair to say that the facts speak for themselves.