The introduction of a new app matching people looking for threesomes has Rob Buchanan thinking about the effects of three-way sex on couples, from his own experience.

A new hook up app called 3nder, which matches you up to people looking for threesomes, is already getting a huge pick-up among horny Irish gays. According to its founder, Dimo Trifonov there are over 10,000 Irish punters from all walks of life and sexual orientations subscribed so far, with numbers anticipated to grow to 500,000 when 3nder becomes available on Android shortly. Whilst a clutch of other apps can already effectively furnish you with a six baller if you try hard enough, this one in particular gets straight to the point. In bypassing the chit-chat it facilitates what can sometimes be considered a mysterious, illusive phenomena for some, putting access to a very common sexual fantasy at your fingertips.

To be honest when I read about the app my first thought was: this is going to be a relationship wrecker for a lot of couples. Obviously a lot threesomes arranged with this app are going to be composed of three singles. That’ll be fantastic for all involved, as the potential for crossed wires (pardon the pun) will be greatly reduced, and the experience can be harmless adult fun. Likewise, there’ll be no danger for sane, secure and mature couples indulging in a bit of moderate kink. However, threesomes can be introduced in to a couples’ repertoire as a kind of Trojan Horse, under the guises of fixing a problem with intimacy and/or variety. Instead of repairing the relationship it at best masks the cracks with novelty, and at worst can fracture things more.

Titillating Our Bits

The long-term potential pitfalls of this particular variety of sex are often ignored due to the experimental glamour of it. The allure of threesomes cuts to the very core of what our fantasies are based on – the ego satisfaction we obtain having more than one person attending to our needs, and the sexual fulfillment we anticipate from those extra body parts titillating our bits. As with all fantasies, the result can often be less glamourous and always has more strings attached.

The anticipation of a threesome versus the reality can potentially backfire on exposed egos. I’ve personally heard of a few occasions where unexpected sexual dynamics emerged. There was a certain older couple who drank in Jurassic. One of them, a notoriously submissive partner, suddenly discovered how sexually inadequate his mouthy top was after their three-way adventure. As a result he left to ‘find himself’ in a bit of a post-midlife crisis.

Or what about the relatively young hipster lads who were oh-so liberal in their open relationship. The actual sight of each other fucking in a threesome caused them both to spiral in to a very bitter vortex of jealousy. In true soap opera fashion, they both fell in love with the new (and oblivious) third party, whilst simultaneously being jealous of him for how he was able to pleasure their partner.

If a couple decides they want to bring in a guest star in to the bedroom, a number of questions have to be asked. Are they doing this because they are jaded with their routine? Or are they doing it because they have become tired of each other? Are both of them really keen on it, or is one partner kowtowing to the threesome in order to please the other?

Blurred Lines

The lines get further blurred when contact is maintained with the third party after the event itself. Further along the way, when that third party decides to find someone for themselves and doesn’t fancy it any more, what happens if the couple are semi-dependent on him to keep the spark in their sex life?

My own experience of threesomes is that done infrequently with a particular couple, or two mates, it can be a good laugh. In fact, with the right attitude it can, in some instances, be an education and unintentionally quite hilarious. However, going for round two with the same blokes can feel like returning to the scene of a crime. I’ve had the slightly sinister phenomena of being semi-stalked by one partner from a couple after a particular encounter, and in another instance was drawn into a distinctly uncomfortable public row where it became very clear to anyone in earshot that someone was trying to use our recent bedroom Olympics as a way to end an unhappy relationship.

Perhaps that’s why I’m a bit biased and believe that most humans haven’t the emotional maturity to pull it off regularly without going unscathed.

Paradoxically, despite the added arithmetic, I’ve found group sex (which I’m counting as more than three participants) to be the least complicated variety of unconventional encounter, psychologically anyway. Maybe there’s something about the multiplicity of witnesses to weird behaviour that keeps participants acting sane. Or maybe the intimacy is divided so much that it becomes less intense, less personal, even while it gets more physically fulfilling.

One of the best things about this new 3nder app will be that it actually lets singles, who might normally have never gotten the courage or the opportunity to fulfill their threesome fantasies, meet up for a royal rumble. Threesomes can do a lot of things for you, but what it won’t do is solve root problems in a relationship, especially if those fault lines are caused by already existing trust issues or insecurities.