I feel like I have been baptized as a proper gay, having finally sat down and watched a full episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. And I had a lot of thoughts.

I’ve watched a couple of episodes before with friends, but never really concentrated on it. Whenever it was on, it would have just been background noise.

Well, my big gay eyes have been opened to the wonderful world of drag. Here’s what I thought when I sat down and watched my first episode of Drag Race (season 3, episode 1).

1. Ok, here we go, I’m ready to become uber-gay. Let the drag race begin!
2. 75,000 blips to be won?! How do I get on Drag Race?
3. Ok, these queens are STUNNING.
4. How heavy do you think all these fake boobs are?
5. The drag queens are now all introducing themselves. Two minutes in and there is already serious shade being thrown.
6. How do I become as confident as these Drag Race people?
7. There are two queens who are pretty much dressed the same. The claws are coming out and I am HERE FOR THIS.
8. Oh, we’ve got ‘she-mail’. I see what you did there RuPaul.
9. The pit crew are entering. OH HELLO.
10. They brought in a big package for the drag queens. Something is about to pop out.
11. Wow ok, it’s another drag queen.
12. So her name is Shangela, and the other queens really don’t seem happy that she’s there. These people are really bad at hiding their disapproval. Somebody, please smile. This is so awkward.
13. So she got eliminated from the last season in the first episode. Fair play for returning, hun. We stan a trier.
14. So now they all have to bounce on a trampoline while it snows and take a really sexy photo. This looks like so much fun but I think her wig is about to come off.
15. “I can see your Nutcracker, hun.” lol.
16. How does Shangela make bouncing on a trampoline look sexy? I was in jump-zone for five minutes before running for my inhaler. You go girl.
17. They are all out of drag now and I have no idea who is who.
18. The pit crew are back and they have cocktails. Are we going to see much more of the pit crew? Because I’m HERE. FOR. THIS.
19. Here’s RuPaul again, announcing that Raja won the photo shoot challenge. Please show me a picture of her in drag because I can’t remember which one that is. She’s pretty pumped about it, but some of the other queens look so sour.
20. Now all of the queens are back in drag and going to a thrift store for supplies. The locals look quite flabbergasted.
21. They just entered the shop and the staff look SHOOK.
22. Even though they’re back in drag they all look so different to the first time we saw them. I have no clue who is who again.
23. So they have to make an outfit out of stuff they find in this pokey little thrift store.
24. Wait, what is that one going to do with a massive lamp?
25. There is so much shade being thrown around this thrift store. One queen just called another ugly.
26. They’re back in the workroom and it’s full of Christmas decorations that the queens can use for their costumes. The same one who picked up the lamp has also picked out a life-size snowman. I am so intrigued.
27. It is a mad dash in there. It’s like a really gay black Friday. OMG, now they’re stealing from each other. This really is every queen for herself.
28. All this Phoenix person has done is bitch about everyone else. Let’s see what you have to bring to the table, sis.
29. RuPaul is back and is going around to everyone to talk about what they’re making, but I still have no idea who is who.
30. Ok, so Shangela is the one with the lamp and the snowman, and her plan is to make the snowman look like her?
31. Now one of the drag queens is stressed because she doesn’t sew. Ok, hunny, even I knew that was part of this competition.
32. RuPaul just announced that Vanessa Williams will be a guest judge and they’re all pretty pumped. I don’t know who that is. Is she also a drag queen?
33. One of them just compared her to Cher and Madonna so she must be a pretty big deal.
34. Ok, so the queen who can’t sew tried to sew and now she’s crying. She’s crying so much now that I can’t really understand what she’s saying. Hold on, I need to turn on the subtitles.
35. Aw, the other queens are trying to help her. That’s cute.
36. She just blew her nose on the fabric…
37. One of the other queens said she is going to have to lipsync. She’s still crying. One of them just said she thinks Mimi (the one with all the crying) is going home.
38. So it’s the next day and Mimi said she’s feeling a bit better. Good, because I don’t think I could take much more crying. More shade throwing, please!
39. Now one of them said she had plastic surgery to look more like Madonna. She doesn’t really look like Madonna.
40. Wahoo here’s RuPaul strutting the runway! Slay!
41. Someone called Bruce Vilanch is dressed as Santa Claus.
42. OMG MICHELLE VISAGE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT.
43. Ah, I recognise this Vanessa Williams person from Desperate Housewives.
44. The drag queens are starting to strut the runway and the first one is in a Christmas bikini-type outfit and she is SLAYING.
45. The one who was crying is dressed as the Virgin Mary and she actually looks really good, so there was no need for all that dramatic carry-on.
46. Shangela looks AMAZING! Her skirt is lighting up! Her snowman doesn’t quite look like her (on account of it being a snowman), but it’s still a nice touch. I think she’s my favourite.
47. Now they’re all on stage together, and yet again, I have no idea who is who.
48. Now they’re talking about the queen in the bikini and her photo shoot from earlier in the episode. They said it wasn’t great, to which she responded: “I pulled a muscle”. Girl, please. She goes on with about five more excuses. Queen, just take the criticism.
49. Shangela’s snowman is called Frostgula. One of the judges described her outfit as mild. Sir, she has twinkly lights in her skirt and hair that adds a foot to her height. In what world is that mild? Is this mild for Drag Race?
50. All of the judges love the Virgin Mary outfit. Again, no need for all the crying.
51. Ehm, she is crying again. The other queens (and me) are not here for it.
52. RuPaul just said, “bring back my girls” as if he was going to murder them all.
53. Time for elimination, and I’m actually kind of nervous. Please send the crier home.
54. Nevermind, she got through and cried again.
55. Shangela is up for elimination AGAIN! I can’t believe how pissed off I am about this.
56. This lip sync challenge is getting quite aggressive…
57. Omg, the other queen just pulled Shangela’s skirt off. The claws are coming out.
58. SHE JUST PUSHED HER!
59. Wigs are coming off now, this is intense. Their outfits are becoming weapons. This is the most awkward dance fight I have ever seen. This is totally what I signed up for with Drag Race.
60. I’m sure when Vanessa Williams wrote this song, this is exactly what she had in mind.
61. Shangela is just doing her job and the other one is getting catty.
62. RuPaul told the catty one to sashay away and I’m delighted.
63. Now they are all dancing together on the stage, and it’s kind of awkward but also looks kind of fun.