Rejoice! Celebrity Big Brother is back and every orifice of the house is positively crammed with former reality stars, former porn stars, and various other former human beings willing to debase themselves for a one last bite at the celeb cherry. Huzzah!

First in to the house was Loose Woman Sherri Hewson, who I mainly remember for her role as the wife of comedy sex-pest Reg Holsworth in ‘90s Corrie. Good times!

Well, not so much for slightly clueless Sherri, who spent about 12 minutes trying to remember the word for “diner”.

No sooner had she summoned the word than she was joined by sorta-rapper/ “hype man” (dear god), Fatman Scoop, who said something utterly shocking to Sherri. “I know you!” then “You’re from Loose Women!”

Given that the main reason most of the housemates are in the career wasteland that is the CBB house is that they no longer are recognisable enough to generate income, this statement was surprising to say the very least.

Or perhaps it’s all part of a Machiavellian ruse to gain her trust, only to betray her later when food supplies are low and BigBro offers thirty pieces of chicken nuggets? Who knows.

Next in was an Atomic Kitten: Natasha Scouse. “If there’s people messing around, they will get the wrath of Tasha.” This will presumably involves a selection of songs from Atomic Kitten’s extensive cover-based back catalogue. Terrifying.

Then entered a handsome, but utterly unrecognisable, American male-model (Austin someone?) who apparently should be known to us for having dated Marc Jacobs. Did a terrible “British” accent (all the American’s did), got booed for bemoaning the UK’s lack of ice-cubes and “shit” customer service, entered then house and then fell off my radar FOREVER.

Noticed a pattern yet, readers? This year has a totally pointless UK VS US theme. Pointless, because every year it’s US vs UK. Those are the only two countries churning out washed-up actors/reality saps/musicians at a sufficient enough pace to keep the BB franchises afloat!

Next in was bald beauty Gail Porter, whom admitted to having “pretty serious OCD” about cleaning. That’s handy, Gail, because things get pretty scummy, pretty quickly in the BB house. She was followed by a guy who used to be a hard-nosed cop in The Bill for about 20 years.

Next, came former porn star and walking advertisement for the dangers of excessive plastic surgery, Jenna Jameson. Poor JJ has aged terribly and now, sadly, looks a Barbie that a child scribbled all over then stuck in the microwave.

Next, up two ex-X Factorers Stevi, the yellow-pack George Michael impersonator and his so-posh-even-her-first-name-is-double-barrelled girlfriend Chloe-Jasmine. Maybe they are being counted as one housemate, because their combined IQ is equivalent to a single human? Too soon to tell really.

And next to enter was 16 and Pregnant’s Farrah Abraham. Yes, the Farrah who released a sex tape, lied and said it was ‘leaked’, and then admitted that was bullshit and went on a promotional tour. Farrah’s journey from mousey, put-upon teen parent to skanky sex tape-releasing vamp has been a baffling, but entertaining one. She and Scrappy Scouse had a mini confrontation last night over Farrah being a “bad loser” during an introductory task. Hair extensions will fly, mark my words.

In fact, as I type this, The Daily Mail, that all-knowing BB Sybil, is reporting that Scrappy Scouse has called Farrah a “bitch”. Oooh! ‘Bitch’ is a warm-up profanity – can’t wait to see what she utters next!

Then there is another no-face: a former Apprentice loser, who described himself as being “all about business, birds and boiled eggs” and immediately lost my attention. Total tool with too much fake tan.

Anyway, all of these other so-called celebs were just the opening act(s) for my second favourite reality star (after New York, of course), tiny TV bisexual Tila Tequila! Maybe Tila will be familiar to you for her dubstep tunes? Or her popular MySpace account back in the early ‘00s? No?

What about her bisexual dating show ‘A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila’ where lots of tanned, clueless American men and women competed for a date with TT? It was one of the best (read: trashiest) reality TV shows of all time and well worth a watch.

She offered some nonsense to Emma Willis about having multiple personalities, clearly not realising that her entire being is interesting enough without the addition of extraneous mental illness.

Last in was Daniel Baldwin. What to say about DB? He’s a Baldwin, so kind of familiar-looking, but I defy you to name even one of the alleged 130+movie he’s appeared in.

Tonight there’s the first of many inevitable “twists” which will see either Janice Dickenson or Bobby Davro enter the house as PM or POTUS of Celebrity Big Brother 2015.

Is it just me or does it seem like JanDick has permanent residency on many of the UK’s reality shows? Also, Bobby Davro’s video was a bit a little bit too Barry from Extras. Sad.

Sad for him, I mean. TV gold for the rest of us, no doubt! Viva CBB!

You can catch up here, or watch the show nightly on TV3.

UPDATE: Tila Tequila was removed from the house after less than 24 hours when producers finally decided to Google her, and this came to light. Hitila indeed!