In a world of social media where people are selling versions of themselves as having the time of their lives, how do we tell the truth when things aren’t so hunky dory, asks Rachel Mathews McKay?

The world isn’t a fun place to be when you feel horrible or alone, or at odds with everyone around you, especially when other people’s social media posts suggest they’re having the time of their lives. Everywhere you turn there are memes and messages that suggest you should ‘pull yourself together’, feel better, be better, strive for more, realise your full potential, and to be really seen you need to have detoxed, purged or preened within an inch of a ‘thinner’ and ‘sexually alluring’ self.

Perhaps these thoughts are familiar to you: ‘Who wants to spend time in my company when I’m wallowing in my personal sadness? Everyone has their own black dogs to contend with, so who can be bothered to set aside time for the melancholy of my grief when there are good times to be had and parties to go to? Sadness sucks, depression is tiresome and boring.’ These things have never been said to me, but I have said them to myself many times over the years.

It’s been 12 months since my Dad lost his battle with cancer, and thankfully I’ve moved through most of the earlier difficult stages of grief. But every now and then, right out of the blue, I can just burst into tears, struck by the longing to hear his voice or feel the warmth and strength of his all-encompassing embrace. I’ve had my fair share of devastating break-ups, which can affect us all in the most astounding and confidence-knocking ways. I’ve lost my job and missed out on ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ opportunities. I’ve found myself lost and lonely in the pits of what I can only describe as hell, when twice as a teenager I experienced nervous breakdowns which resulted with two failed suicide attempts. I went on a long journey of professionally assisted self-exploration, which in hindsight has made me a stronger and fuller person. I imagine that might sound a bit clichéd but, for anyone who has ever felt that desperate (or anything else on the large and sliding scale of human suffering), it’s true – time, space and support can help most things, and there is always someone somewhere who cares.

I Appear To Be On Top of My Game

From the outside looking in, I probably appear to be on top of my game, always busy, involved in exciting projects and going to cool parties, and I can’t say I don’t have a wealth of friends; but I have my off days. There were times last year when getting out of bed was a real struggle and staying focused enough to do a day’s work was near impossible. But with the support of friends, family, colleagues, comrades, my employers, 2015 referendum fever, singing in a choir, a new romance and six weeks of grief-counselling, I am slowly moving through the heartache.

Maybe you’re wishing I had picked something lighter and brighter to write about and yet here I am talking about some of life’s hard stuff, sadness and attempted suicide. Maybe it might be more interesting if I went into the details of what could cause a teenage girl to want to end her own life, but while I have no shame in telling my story, I don’t really feel the need. Sadly few us on this island haven’t been affected by someone taking their own life or, at the very least, coming very close to. Our friends, family, neighbours and colleagues are often gripped by varying degrees of darkness and despair, for all kinds of reasons. For generations we’ve grown up in a culture of silence, drowning our sorrows in drink or forcing ourselves to suck it up and say nothing, burying our deepest secrets and challenging woes.

Astounding Figures

Thankfully this is changing. Recently the National LGBT Helpline launched its annual report for 2015. The figures are not just interesting but quite astounding. Last year thousands of people accessed information and support through the organisation’s telephone helpline and online services. The report also identified a spike in user services in the lead up to the May referendum, which really doesn’t surprise me, as hearing the opposition’s arguments and being subjected to the No posters affected me too. What this tells us is that all helpline services are a vital part of our community support networks and must be preserved, well resourced and fully secured.

Mental health and a focus on emotional wellbeing have become more commonplace in good work practices and doctor’s surgeries. Meditation and mindfulness classes are widely available. Anti-stress colouring books may not be for everyone but are becoming ever more popular in an attempt to ease the pressures of modern day life. From firsthand experience I wholly recommend accessing professional support, but realise that not everyone can afford private counselling or psychotherapy. Support and help are available from student counselling services, Employee Assistance Programmes, personal and community networks and, of course, for immediate short-term crisis support, there are a number of online and telephone helplines and services. All the LBGT helplines are listed in the GCN directory, and there are also a number of other services, including the IACP for accredited therapists (iacp.ie) and the Samaritans (telephone 116 123).

Coming out and being out can be difficult experiences, but obviously not all of our life issues are connected to our sexuality and gender identities, although they are often linked. Over the years I have been learning how to take better care of myself when I’m feeling sad or blue, and I know who my friends are and how to access help. But I really hope that one of the knock-on effects of securing fuller societal equality through the recognition of our same-sex relationships, families and personal identities will help create a more inclusive, empathic and kinder society.