At times RuPaul’s Drag Race can be absolutely criminal (Exhibit One for the prosecution: All Stars Season One). In this column we look through some of the top crimes * committed by the queens.

Allegedly.

Assault: Assault is any unconsented to touching, no matter how slight. There’s obvious exceptions to this – like boxing. Everyone knows drag is not a contact sport so we find Mimi Imfurst guilty of assault contrary to section 2 of the Non-Fatal Offences Against the Person Act for her manhandling of India Ferrah.

Arson: Tina Burner’s pussy may be on fire but her love of red, yellow and orange is just criminal. Did you know that you can be guilty of arson when you burn your own things if it puts someone else’s life in danger? Well, she’s certainly slaying. The penalty under section 2 of the criminal damage act is Life in Prison.

Conspiracy: Rolaskatox.

Robbery: Robbery is theft combined with violence. Sounds exactly like what happened to Alyssa Edwards in both her series. Here we find the producers guilty, not the contestants. Rigga Morris. 

Fraud: Making gain or causing loss by deception is an offence under section 6 of the Theft and Fraud Offences Act. If someone, say, were to try and fake a lip-sync by wearing a veil when they didn’t know the words then they could be guilty of this. Just as well it never happened. This one will just have to be an acquittal. 

Intoxication to such a point that you are a danger to yourself or others: “I don’t have a sugar daddy, I’ve never had a sugar daddy. If I wanted to have a sugar daddy, yes, I probably could go ahead and get one. Because I’m what? Sickening. You could never have a sugar daddy because you are not that kind of girl.”

Display in public place of material which is threatening, abusive, insulting or obscene: Most of LaLa Ri’s bag outfit fits the bill here, but we love her, so we’re giving her time off for bad behaviour. 

Possession of Controlled Drugs: Did you know that for a first or second offence of possession of cannabis for personal use you can only get a fine? Laganja Estranja probably still feels very attacked though. 

Offensive weapons: Half of the queens can probably be described as offensive weapons, however possession of something that is sharply pointed or adapted for use for causing injury to or incapacitating a person is an offence under Section 9 of the Firearms and Offensive Weapons Act. Bianca Del Rio’s one liners are about as pointed as its possible to be and have left many the queen feeling injured or incapacitated. Mind you, she was Judge Judy so she can direct her own acquittal.

Season One of RuPauls Drag Race: This isn’t actually an offence on the Irish Statute Books, but it should be.

Actual real crime: Sherry Pie.

At the end of the day what jury could convict the queens of these crimes? They’d need a jury of their peers and they’re peerless. And as always- don’t say anything without your lawyer.

*The queens did not commit actual crimes. All allegations are specious and facetious.

The Barristers with the Tea are Donagh and Matthew. A gay man and a proud ally they write about legal issues affecting the community. They can also be found here and here.