Reflecting on his journey, Irish trans man Elliot Lawler shares how embracing his gender identity allowed him to live a happier and more fulfilled life.

When I was in primary school, I remember thinking why wasn’t I like the ‘other girls’ my age? I didn’t like dresses or skirts, but I felt like I had to wear them, which made me uncomfortable. I labelled myself a ‘tomboy’ during this time because no girls my age liked playing with bugs or in the grass, getting muddy and climbing trees.

In my teen years, I started to become self-conscious about my body and not like what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way.

I had never heard of the word transgender until I was in my late teens. I first met another person in the trans community when I was around 17 or 18. Around the same time, I came out to my family as trans.

As I started college, I began to think about and experiment with the pronouns I used, figuring out what I liked and didn’t like to be called. I realised I hated being called ‘she’ and I had no attachment to my gender assigned at birth. I felt happy when people called me ‘he’ and used masculine words and compliments to describe me. I was happier when I was embracing my true gender identity.

For the whole time I was in college, I thought about going on hormones and having top surgery in the future. At first, I felt it was easier not to say anything and avoid causing a fuss by telling people my pronouns or correcting people who misgendered me. But I was miserable living a life pretending that I liked who I was and what I saw in the mirror.

The name I had been given felt like a dagger dragging through me when someone said it. I knew I wanted to live and not just survive. I wanted a name that truly felt like me, that belonged to me. Ultimately, I chose what made me happy – I picked Elliot for my name.

After I cut my hair, changed my name, started going by he/him pronouns and wearing masculine clothes, I felt more me. I started testosterone injections at the end of October 2024 and finally felt that my body fit better, my voice sounded like me, and I liked who I saw in my reflection.

I’ve been on HRT for over a year now, and I have been much happier in my gender identity since. I finally feel like I can breathe and that I can live as my true self.

The little kid inside me was right; he didn’t have to be the same as everyone else, he didn’t have to be a girl. He could be who he wanted to be. He could grow up and be proud of himself for becoming who he is. He didn’t have to live a life of misery trying to survive while feeling empty inside. His heart could be full of hope and happiness, which he put back out into the world. He could like who he saw in the mirror.

My advice to people struggling and thinking they’ll never get on hormones: it might take some time, and finding a way to get there might feel endless, but you will get there; just be patient.

For those scared to start transitioning, whether that be changing their name, pronouns or clothes, or starting hormones, your happiness and your life are way more important than what others may think of you. Those who deserve to be in your life will love and support you. Those who don’t, don’t matter. It will be hard trying to accept this, but it’s much harder being miserable in the wrong body.

My 24th birthday marked my graduation from Belong To, where I had the time of my life over the past two years in their LGBTQ+ youth groups. I have made some amazing friends during my time there and had the wonderful support from the youth workers and volunteers facilitating the group workshops. The youth workers are there for you; they really care and offer a listening ear to help you through hard times if needed.

I got to go on a trip to Cavan Adventure Centre with the youth service, and it was one of the best experiences I have had. We did rock climbing, archery, and water sports by day, and had nights filled with roasting marshmallows, making s’mores, singing karaoke and dancing with friends. I will carry these memories forever.

I have also gotten to experience my first Trans & Intersex Pride, and being with Belong To made it even more of an amazing experience.

We made posters and got ready for Pride together. We had a Pride breakfast, which was a lovely experience chatting with friends, getting face paint and singing and dancing to queer songs. We also got a Pride t-shirt from Belong To to remember the day – I wear it all the time.

I think it is so important to have these spaces, and growing up, I didn’t have this connection and community. Belong To was a safe space where I could drop the mask. I learnt it was okay to be myself in the world.

It is an amazing place to make friends and come to terms with your sexuality or gender identity. It is a great way to gain connections and support, and it’s also a completely safe space to be yourself.

 

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